When children experience grief and loss, parents and carers want to care for and nurture them in ways that will lovingly support young people in their grieving. Firstly, it's important to recognise that children and adolescents will experience and react to grief in their own unique ways.

An adolescent’s grief can be impacted by any number of things including but not limited to, their unique relationship with the person, how the person died, their support system, past experiences with death, and their own unique strengths and weaknesses when it comes to dealing with stress, adversity, and high emotion. Adults seeking to support an adolescent should try to remember that a wide range of responses are considered ‘normal’ and there’s no one formula for providing support.

Fortunately, conventional wisdom says the best way to support a grieving adolescent is to ‘companion’ them, which is just a fancy way of saying be there for them which you, as parents and carers, already know how to do. You can ‘companion’ a teen by supporting them, talking openly and honestly, listening, allowing them to grieve how they want, and allowing them to decide how they will cope (with the exception of self-destructive behaviours).

It’s important to emphasise the above because at the end of the day the best advice will always be to walk with the adolescent through their grief while still honouring our responsibilities as parents to draw limits, provide guidance, and set a good example.

What’s Your Grief advises for children of any age you do the following:

• Acknowledge their presence, their importance, their opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
• Be patient and open-minded. Allow them to grieve in their own way.
• Be available – sit with the child, listen to them, and answer their questions.
• Let them know that a range of different emotions is normal.
• Validate their feelings and do not minimise them.
• Check in with other adults involved in their life – teachers, school counsellors, coaches.
• Find age-appropriate resources.

For many children, this may be their first experience with death. For significant relationships, children may come to define their lives in terms of ‘before’ the death and ‘after’ the death. After a death, adolescents may experience the following for the first time:

• End of life rituals and etiquette: Many children have yet to attend a funeral or memorial service well into their teen years. Rituals and etiquette may cause anxiety for adolescents, especially if they don’t know what to expect or how to act. Additionally, teens may be uncomfortable with the feeling of being watched as everyone observes them to see how they’re coping. Talk about what, if any, elements they would like to be a part of and what, if any, they can opt out of. Encourage them to participate but don’t force.
• Emotions: For adolescents who have little experience with trauma, death, pain, or stress, this will be the first time they experience the overwhelming emotions related to grief. This can be frightening and many don’t have the self-awareness to know what types of coping strategies will help. Normalise the range of emotions grievers are likely to experience. Prepare them for shifts in emotion and give them permission to laugh and feel happy when they feel like it. Help them brainstorm coping strategies based on their personality and strengths. Offer options such as counselling, journaling, and workbooks, but don’t push.
• Big Questions: When faced with the death of a person, particularly if it is an unexpected death or the death of a young person, some teens may begin to ponder the deeper questions: "Why did this happen?" "What does death mean?" "What do I understand about the purpose of life?". You can support your child by:
  • being open to conversations about these topics
  • sharing your beliefs and thoughts
  • seeking out support from members of your church or community who might be able to talk these concepts through with your teen.
  Experiences of grief and loss may be a time when teens begin to question and challenge what they believe and understand about life, and a parent/carer's willingness to support them during this process is so important.

Our school seeks advice and has a coordinated and planned response. This approach enables students, staff and the wider school community to return to regular routine as soon as possible. Consistency and predictability of the routine can be settling for students in a complex, difficult and unpredictable time. We partner with key agencies to maximise the response to our school community.

Some may perceive this as being disrespectful to the student or the family but a school’s response comes from a place of care and love and an understanding of the complexity of the suddenness and shock experienced.

Our aim for the next few weeks is to focus on the importance of:

Connection
Teachers and school staff will connect with students and check in on them regularly. They will let them know that they are available to listen. When teens are listened to and supported, they are more likely to be open about their needs and discuss options for further help.

Relationships
Teenagers often look to their peers for support when times are tough, so we encourage our students to connect with friends in a safe environment. We remind students that putting time into relationships can help them feel connected, boost their energy and, ultimately, help them keep a healthy headspace.

Self Care
We share the importance of self care as a coping strategy so they are physically and mentally healthy. We remind the students the importance of nutrition, movement and sleep health on our brain and mental health. We encourage our students to continue to participate in enjoyable activities, such as sports or hobbies, and try to maintain routines as much as possible.

• Exercise regularly - it reduces stress and is a great way to improve physical and mental health.
• Schedule in down time - block out time for you.
• Unplug - make time each day to turn off your phone, log-out of your email, step away from the computer and go outside and be present.
• Get plenty of sleep - sleep helps the brain function properly, without it, you may have trouble making decisions and solving problems.
• Healthy eating is one of the best forms of self-care.
• We encourage our students to be kind to themselves and their peers.

Maintain normal routines as much as possible
Routines and structure provide some certainty and comfort to students, which is often lost temporarily during a traumatic event. It can be a comforting experience for students as they know what to expect and they can feel in control. We encourage our students to return to school and engage in learning experiences.

Encourage healthy conversations
We encourage our students to understand that grief is complex and how we experience an event will be different. We encourage healthy online behaviours and we support and encourage students to develop positive ways to handle tough times to increase their resiliency.

Encourage help-seeking
We encourage students to seek help. Our students are reminded of the support options available. This will allow them to choose a person they feel comfortable with and increases the likelihood that they will ask for support. Options for support could be a family member or trusted adult, such as a teacher or school counsellor.

headspace
headspace is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation. Headspace supports young people with mental health, physical health, alcohol and other drug services, as well as work and study support. With a focus on early intervention, we work with young people to provide support at a crucial time in their lives – to help get them back on track and strengthen their ability to manage their mental health in the future. The headspace website offers free resources for young people between the ages of 12 and 25 years old.

Tweed headspace

Address: Carmarco Building, 145 Wharf St, Tweed Heads NSW 2485   

Phone: (07) 5589 8700

Students can access support from the Tweed Heads headspace office. Students or a parent can call the centre and the 'duty roster' staff member can talk to the student for a single session and help them with their next steps or just have a chat.

Website: https://headspace.org.au/

Hours of Operation
Monday 9.30 am - 5.30 pm
Tuesday 9.30 am - 5.30 pm
Wednesday 9.3am - 5.30 pm
Thursday 10.30 am - 6.30 pm
Friday 8.00 am - 4.00 pm

eheadspace
Free online counselling for young people aged 12 and 15 years via phone or online. The first step to access this support is to create an account.

Website: https://headspace.org.au/online-and-phone-support/

Grief Line
Griefline supports anyone experiencing grief, facing any type of loss, providing access to free telephone and online support services and resources. You can encourage your child to use the service or you could ring them for advice.

Website: https://griefline.org.au/

Phone:1300 845 745

Kids Helpline
Kids Helpline is Australia’s free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service for young people aged 5 to 25 years old.

Email a Kids Helpline Counsellor: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/email-counselling/

Website: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

Phone: 1800 55 1800

Mental Health Access Line
The Mental Health Access Line is a NSW Health service staffed by mental health professionals. This service gives NSW residents access to expert mental health advice, support and referrals. Where appropriate, they can put you in contact with the local mental health crisis or acute care team.

Website: https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/mentalhealth/Pages/mental-health-line.aspx

Phone: 1800 011 511

Parentline
Parent Line is a free telephone counselling and support service for parents and carers with children aged 0 to 18 years old who live in NSW.

Website: https://www.parentline.org.au/

Phone: 1300 1300 52

ReachOut
Reach Out is a free online coaching service for parents and carers to help create clarity and increase confidence to support your teen through a tough time.

Website: https://parents.au.reachout.com/one-on-one-support

Yarn
13YARN ensures Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander people who are feeling overwhelmed or having difficulty coping can receive culturally safe and appropriate health services where and when they are needed 24/7

Website: https://www.13yarn.org.au

Phone: 13 92 76

Attending a funeral may assist bereaved young people in acknowledging the death, remembering the life and saying goodbye to the person they loved or cared about.

At all times, the school will respect the wishes of the family regarding the size of the service. Although staff, friends and other young people may want to attend, the family may wish for a small, private funeral for family members only. 

If the family welcomes the school community to attend the funeral, students must make arrangements with their parents/ carers. Young people should be allowed to decide if they want to attend and must be supported by their parents/ carers. 

It’s important to help young people make an informed choice by explaining what a funeral service is, its purpose, and what to expect during the ceremony. This approach allows them to feel more prepared and comfortable in deciding whether or not to attend.

Schools do not take students to funerals. It is the responsibility of a parent or carer to prepare and supervise their young person before, during, and after a funeral. 

If a student will be attending a funeral, they will follow normal sign-out procedures. 

Talking points with your young person: 

• What is the purpose of a funeral? 

A funeral is a way to honour and remember the deceased. It allows family and friends to come together, share memories, and support one another in their grief. The Catholic Church teaches that funerals are filled with hope for the resurrection and eternal life, emphasising the belief in a loving God who welcomes the deceased into His presence. 

(The Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church)

• What to wear? 

Wear respectful clothing. Dark colours are often preferred. Avoid overly casual attire. On occasion, some families might ask people to wear colour to celebrate the life of the deceased.

• Be respectful during the service

Maintain a quiet demeanour. Turn off mobile devices to avoid distractions. Participate in prayers or hymns if comfortable, as this can be a way to show support for the grieving family.

• Offer condolences

After the service, it is appropriate to express sympathy to the family. Help them to think about what they could say. 

‘I'm sorry for your loss.’

‘Your family are in my thoughts and prayers.’

‘Please accept my condolences.’

‘I am so sorry for your loss. May God bless you and your family.’

• Comfort and support

As you will be attending the funeral with your young person, talk with them about how they would like you to show comfort and support. Let them know that you will bring some tissues, in case they need them. Help them to understand that funerals can evoke a range of emotions. It is important to convey that crying or not crying are both OK.

If your young person does not want to attend, you might talk with them about a positive memory of the deceased and say a prayer together. Your young person may want to think about what they could say if a peer asks why they did not attend.